It's Over...

I got the call at about noon, with I am sorry I dont have good news, well I knew that since Monday afternoon. I am better today than the past couple of days, I am sad yes, but I will survive. We cannot afford to do this again and have no frozen embryos, going in we knew this was a one shot deal. I am mad and shouldnt be, during all of this I have lost me. Maybe the drugs maybe not, but I am not the person I used to be. I want me back. I have 3 beautiful girls that I am thankful for, I would like to have a child with my husband but unfortunatley God has another plan for us. If we could afford this again I deep down in my heart dont feel like this is the plan we are to follow to have a child. Maybe adoption, I dont know. But right now I am going to get myself back, love my children and move on. I thank everyone for all their thoughts and prayers. You will continue to be in mine. I will keep the blog up but I may change it, Leigh best of luck to you. Debbie, have a healthy nine months Christi, I still want to hear from you when you start your cycle, I need to root you on like you did me. You all deserve your positives!

Tomorrow is Beta and the END!

Last night I was starting to feel positive a little that hey maybe this spotting is a good sign. I had myself talked into POAS this am in hopes of those beautiful two pink lines would appear. Got up this morning POAS, and one line. Well I should have known better, this is how I knew it would go, I still am having pink spotting, it is my body trying to end this craziness but the PIO shots keeping it at bay. This has been a long and trying thing for me, I go for beta tomorrow am and I know it too will be negative. I havent heard wether we will have any snowbabies, but I doubt that too. We cannot afford another round of this, emotionally either. So right now I will have to be thankful for the children God has given me and maybe this is not the way we are to add to our family, I don't know. I want to thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers during this time. Once beta is confirmed to be negative tomorrow I will let everyone know. And I will probably close my blog down as this will end our infertility journey. Thanks to everyone again!

9dp3dt and Full of Tears!

Today I am 9 days past transfer and 2 day til beta. Yesterday afternoon I went to the bathroom only to find pink when I wiped, I am devastated to say the least. Remember this is not brown like old blood but pink like new blood just not lots of it. This SUCKS! So I have googled and cried, yes I understand this can be nothing but right now I just FEEL like it is over. I am also breaking out might I add and that is another tell tale sign flow is on her way, I have a backache not the same as before AF but my back aches, I am spotting, and breaking out. This cycle is a bust. When I woke up this morning the spotting is still here so after recommendation of friends, I have called and talk to nurse Judy, she said it okay just as long as it is not bright red or having cramps. She said call back if it seems to get heavier. After feeling pretty positivie and stopping snubbing to myself, I am thinking things are okay. Then low and behold went to the potty and wipes and pinker closer to red, small clots. SHIT! SHIT! (TMI) I looked in water and saw some stringy looking tissue floating???? So I called Judy back, she told me to go straight home and put my feet up and rest, if it gets heavy like full flow call after hours and in the am I am to call her with an update of what the am shows. I havent POAS too scared maybe of reality, not knowing I can silently hope it has worked when deep down I know it hasnt. Since I have been home and lying down the spotting has lightened. Maybe that was just one of my babies that wasnt ready to be a baby right now, I dont know. This is so hard. I am praying when I get up in the morning the spotting will be GONE and I POAS and it is +++++. But then reality isnt always that nice to me. But I will continue to hope and pray! I will keep everyone posted!

Leigh, I am excited that a light positive was seen on your end, and praying no more spotting unless it means that baby is making itslef comfy for the long haul!

5dp3dt

And feeling like I am stuck in the land of the unsure. I know, I know, God willing this will work, but I feel like I am a need to know gal. I have a couple questions that I can't really find an answer to. I need to start by telling why I want to know...
Well today I have had period like cramps, yes the positive side says implantation but the other says my period is going to start at any time. I swear I have had these before in the 2WW and nothing, NADA! So the question is and maybe someone knows, I have read so many different things on the internet(Bad internet). When would your period start? I really didnt have a true regular period when I went of the bcp, so would it be 28 days from then or, I have also read that the PIO shots will keep your period at bay so to speak until you stop them? I cannot find anything for sure, I have read some blogs where gals dont even make it until beta because AF arrives, I dunno. This is whats happens during the 2WW, we lose or sanity!! If anyone has some input/experience, please let me know!
I am still not sold so to speak on the day I am going POAS if I do, I hopefully will have decided or not. I am very hopeful that this will work, deep down I feel like it will on somedays then others I don't. But I do know one thing, I do want it to work for sure!
Other than that I have other "symptoms", sore bbs-PIO, heartburn-eating too much, cramps-AF, I can't point anything to the positive side for sure! I sure wish I could. Only time will tell, I now have less than a week until beta and I am counting the days.
Hopefully I will keep busy this weekend, and two more days will count by, and I will get closer to beta day. I am going to try not to read any more of the wealth of somewhat not helpful internet knowledge, because I beleive it only make me worry more.
Leigh, havent seen a post how are things with you? Debbie, congrats again on the +++++, how are your feeling? Christi, good to hear from you!
I forgot on my last post to write my thanks, so here we go!
1. I am thankful, that I have a job, even though some of my coworkers can drive me insane! I could be jobless, considering how economy is right now.
2. I am thankful for the holidays that are getting closer, it truly is my favorite time of the year from Oct-Feb. It makes me happy inside and out.
3. I am thankful I only have only one 12 year old daughter at a time, otherwise I would be bald and in an institution.

Please ladies and fellow IF bloggers, be praying for me and EVERY other IF gal waiting on a positive/baby!

Nothing New To Talk About!

Not only am I a slack blogger, I really have nothing of much excitement to talk about. I am struggling through the 2WW. Today makes 3dp3dt, not that I am counting or anything. I feel like I am constantly thinking about will this work, or won't it. I am totally consumed!! I am trying really hard to be focused at work but it is hard, I feel like a bad employee because I am not focusing my all and don't seem to be able to complete tasks with my normal efficiency. This is really hard. I read other blogs in order to gain some time of knowledge or sign when comparing my situation to theirs. I am loosing my mind, it is official.
On another 2WW note, the PIO shots are still not bad although my arse is sore, not a little but SORE. My youngest child thinks that I need her help in the evenings with my nightly shot, so tonight she felt the need to help me pull my sweats and undies to expose my cheek. They all want to be involved.
I wish I could say I felt one way or the other but I dont know it is still early. I am just very hopeful at this point, the next question is to pee or not to pee, that is the real question. I saw that Debbie held out on the POAS and CONGRATS to Debbie on the positive beta. But I have seen others test before hand. When is the safest day past transfer to test? 2 days before testing day? Someone with some knowledge please let me know!
I am trying to think of things to keep myself busy, so this weekend weather permitting I think it is time to break out the fall decorations, that will take all of a couple hours. Then I will sit and read blogs in my quest of knowledge, I am a freak I know! Although I have to admit my dear friend "S" has been around me long enough to be crazy too right "S", but really I do know that she just wants this to work for me because she wants to go shopping, just kidding really because she is a true friend!
Well I think I have typed enough nonsense for a couple more days maybe I will have a twinge or something to report! Take Care
Leigh good to see your post, hang in there we are both thinking positive!

Grow and Stick My Little Beans!!

Well they are in at 11:00 am this morning two embryos were transfered into their rightful home. Or so I think!! They transfered one 8 cell Grade A, and one 8 cell Grade B which they said were very good. The other two embryos aren't of as good of quality, but they are going to let them grow to day six, and if they make it they will freeze them.

Got up this morning at 8am and inserted the progesterone suppositories, yuck, is all I can say without TMI! Got dressed and on the road, at 10am I drank my water and took my valium, well I dont know if it relaxed me or not but I took it. We went back to the surgery suite and 10:45am got into our lovely garb, which of course included gown, booties, cap and shoe covers. We were cute! We got to see our embryos put into the catheter on the screen and then they were put back into their home! I layed still with my knees bent for about 30 minutes, got dressed, ate some chinese food and came home to nap. So that was about the extent of our morning. So now we wait! On the 16th I will go back for bloodwork, and a pregnancy test. So I am praying for a quick and positive two week wait for myself and Leigh too!

I am thankful for:

1. The two healthy embryos that were transfered this morning.

2. The medical advances that we have.

3. Simple comments "It is in God's hands now" From my RE! That is the truth!

My Four Amigos!!

My husband and I have some people we know that are ahead of us in the IVF world (they are pregnant-8 weeks), they told my husband this part is the worst, the waiting....
And it is I woke up this morning and waited and waited for the call on the news on our embryos, it seemed like they would never call my poor husband could hardly stand himself, due to the fact that our IF problem is male factor he was afraid his sperm wouldnt be able to do the job.
We finally got the call to let us know that all four embryos are still growing and transfer will be set at 10:30am tomorrow. I am to insert two vaginal suppositories at 8am, them take my valium and drink my water at 10am and then they will put our babies in their rightful home! I am joping that they will put the two best in and the other two will continue to grow so they can be snowbabies for later!
For those of you who want to know about the PIO shots, they really arent too bad, right now! My husband did a great job, we iced the area inserted the injection and I sat on a heating pad for a little while and I was fine. No real soreness or anything today.
Leigh, I have my fingers crossed for your 3 embryos, good luck tomorrow!
Today I am thankful for:
1. Wonderful friends, at home and the blog world.
2. My mother, my own cheerleader.
3. The beautiful day today, it is autumn!
I opened my fortune cookie yesterday and it really was just right:
You will take a chance in the near future and win!

After 24 Hours...

The RE's office called me this morning to let us know that out of the 9 eggs they retreived yesterday we have 4 good looking embryos. They will call me tomorrow to let us know the status of the 4 em-babies tomorrow and also give us a time for transfer. So now we wait and pray and hope that they divide and grow as they should and will hang tough for us.
Today I am a bit tearful, feel optimistic but also worried like hell, that tomorrow I will get some awful phone call and we will never have the chance to have a baby together, I know it only takes one to make a baby that we want so badly this is just very stressfull and scarey.
Tonight will be our first PIO shot I will let everyone know how that goes. And I will post tomorrow about our babies, and when they will be putting them back in the home they need to be in to grow! Please send good vibes to my cyclesista Leigh and her embryo they both need all of our prayers! Chrsiti I hope you get to start your stims today! Will talk to everyone later!
Oh and I forgot TGIF!! I also am going to try something to keep me positive, everyday I post I will post 3 things that I am thankful for.
1. I have 3 healthy children
2. I have a husband that loves me and my children.
3. I am alive to see another day, not matter how gloomy I may feel!

Retreival Day!

Today was my retreival day, we arrived at the RE's office bright and early at 7am. My husband gave his sample and it was good so no TESE for him! So we waited there was one other woman there for her retreival too, so at about 8:30am they called me back I put my gown, booties, and bonnet on and waited and waited, did I say I waited? I sat and waited as the woman before me, husband was having a TESE done, then about 45 minutes later she went back when she was done it was then my turn. I was given some great medicine, wow they should bottle that for over the counter sales!! Once it was all over I was back in recovery and getting dressed at about 10:45am. Oh yeah they retreived 9 eggs, I thought that I would have more since the lady before me had 16 retreived and she was 42, WOW! But I am happy because like they said it is not how many it is the quality of the eggs. So I am keeping my fingers crossed that they are all of the Grade A quality!!
I got home at about 1:00pm and layed down until 3 or so. I dont have too much pain just kinda achey like I have been punched in the guts! No real bleeding which is good, so I am now waiting to hear from them tomorrow to find out how they fertilized.
I do love my husband, he sat so patiently and waited for me this morning and he is so anxious and worried that his sperm wont do what they need too. He is so great, he wants this so bad he cant stand himself. I do love you Mr. B!
The office I go to does three day transfers so hopefully they will be putting my beautiful little pre-babies in on Sunday, I pray that at least one sticks, for me and especially for Mr. B.
My dear friend S from work I tried to call you must not have felt well this am, hope your father is feeling better and he has not passed his sickness on to you, if you read this at this point I am not sure my status for work tomorrow. I am playing it by ear! Feel better and talk to you soon!
Leigh I am so excited for your 6 eggs I am praying they will be growing babies soon! Glad to hear all went well for you, keep that tape from your hand for your baby book!
Christi I will be waiting to hear how your appt goes, I am hoping you will be starting your stim meds and on the way to your retreival too.
Well I have talked and talked but I will post my fertilization status tomorrow, I have my fingers crossed for all of us. Hope we will be barfing by Halloween as Leigh said!

Praying for Grade A!

I went in this morning for our pre-op work up, my goodness was that office busy! I have never seen that many people in the waiting room before! But all was well I had more blood drawn, met with the lady who will put me to sleep and saw my RE. Got the call this afternoon that the trigger shot was a success thank you my nurse friend! We have to be there at 7 am, yes Leigh we are really true cycle sistas! I will be thinking about you hoping for Grade A Eggs for you too as my RE said. But I would just like to say I am so excited to have NO shots tonight!! I know this will be short lived because I am soon to start the progesterone in oil. Yuck! But at this point if if helps me get pregnant and stay that way I am for it. I will post after I get home tomorrow with some stats on egg count! I will be waiting to hear about yours too Leigh! I would assume that Sunday will be transfer day but wont know for sure I guess until tomorrow! Got to go cook supper! Praying for a least a dozen Grade A for all of us!

Trigger Me Up Scottie!

I went to my RE this morning and I figured that all would be the same and I was to come back on Thursday for another scan and bloodwork but that is not how things are going to happen. The nurse called me this afternoon and told me to stop the Lupron, take 3 vials of Follistim, 15 units of low dose HCG and do my trigger shot tonight at 9:30 pm. I knew today I was pretty miserably bloated but I didnt think it would be time so quick for trigger. I go in tomorrow am at 10am for blood work and to see the anesthesiologist (sp?). So it looks like Thursday am retreival not sure what time exactly I am sure I will know after my visit in the am. Leigh looks like retreival and transfer will be the same day for us. I am not exactly sure the amount of follicles I have but I will ask so I can post. I am pretty nervous about the big shot tonight since it has to be given intramuscularly YUCK! I wish I had gotten the kind that can be given in the stomach but I guess this will just prepare me for those progesterone in oil shots. I will keep everyone posted.
On a lighter note I have been tagged, I really have no idea how this is done so I am going to brainstorm and make sure I get it right before I post and in turn tag someone else. Leigh I will get back to you on this :) I will post more tomorrow I hope everyone has a good evening!

Not Much to Report!

I went to the RE on Friday morning and again this morning. I had an ultrasound and bloodwork on both days. My RE says that I am responding well to the stim medication which I guess is what I want to hear! I am still on the same medication amount nothing up or down. My RE showed me how my follicles have grown, they looked to be like nickel to quarter sized, I really dont know how "big" they are supposed to be before retreival. I am thinking by the end of next week I should have retreival scheduled. But nothing is set it stone, kinda in the land of day by day right now. I have an appointment on Tuesday am, so we will see how things change! My back is starting to ache now and I have some strange sharp pains every once in a while but nothing too bad. I am not sure which medication is causing the nagging headaches and the tiredness but I guess this just all goes with the IVF fun! I have to go and help with a friends mother's memorial dedication this afternoon, but I would like nothing more than to just lay around, having to go to the RE on Sunday morning seems like is shortens your weekend but before I know it, it will be over and hopefully I will be preparing for a new baby. :) I am the glass half empty type of person, which I think that my husband cant stand but I tell him that if I dont get my hopes up I wont be so upset if it doesnt work, but deep down I SO want it too. I hope that all my fellow IF gals are progressing well and I am hoping for a good week for all of us! Got to get ready to go to my friends I will post later!

How are my Eggs Growing?

Tomorrow am I have another appointment with my RE. I think this is considered my day 4 bloodwork and ultrasound. I am very anxious to see how things are progressing, I know that I have only been taking the follistim for a couple of days but I am already having some pain in my ovaries so I suppose that is a good thing. I dread the Follistim injections every night, it just seems like a lot of medicine that I am injecting. And it hurts a little too, but no pain no gain, right. I am glad to hear from you again Christi, I would really like to e-mail but I dont know how you do all that, without my posting my e-mail address on the blog front? Let me know! I am excited to hear how your ultrasound and bloodwork goes for you Leigh. I am having positive thoughts for all of us, I saw tonight where Bio Girl got her positive today, how exciting is that! I hope that is soon to be all of us! Well I will post tomorrow after my appointment, I will be waiting to hear from you Christi. Good Night!

Just Call Me Henrietta!!!

I would first like to apologize to the very few people who do read my blog for being a slack blogger. I was HOPING that my new laptop would have arrived by now so I would be posting daily. But it has not arrived, no surprise I seem to have a package omen! Well to start I would like to tell everyone where I am at currently in this infertility journey, I have been on Lupron forever so it seems. I went to the RE Saturday am for an ultrasound and bloodwork to see if I could start my stim medications. My ultrasound was great my RE said that my ovaries looked like that of an egg donor. That may be a future option to pay off my current infertility debts. Or maybe not, me and Lupron dont have the best of relationships. Well anyway the bloodwork said that my estrogen levels were still to high, I figured this may be due to AF not arriving yet. So today we went back to the RE for another round of bloodwork, and for my husband to make a deposit to be frozen just in case. Bloodwork is A OK, so we are full speed ahead in to the land of stimulation! Oh and I forgot my Dr. put me on Glucophage because I have so many follicles, something to do with them bunching together and diabetes medicine was supposed to help??? Not really sure, so I just take them and smile! So I put off my injections until the last possible second because the Lupron makes me feel like crap but tonight I was excited about the new drugs so I took them earlier than usually. I am still taking 10 units of Lupron they think that I may be one of those OHSS people so I have to continue the regular does I guess this is supposed to help prevent this problem, I am taking 15 units of low dose hcg that burns going in ouch, and 225 units or 3 vials of Follistim, that sure is way more to inject and that hurts too, started taking antibiotics 2x a day, glucophage, and a prenatal vitamins. I sure hope I remember all of this. I go back Friday am for another ultrasound and bloodwork. I will post any yucky side effects I am sure they will come everything else has had one!!!!
I would also like to mention I am so excited to have someone post on my blog besides my good friend "S" of course. Fellow blog/infertility friend I cant wait to hear from you again, let me know if you have a blog I would love to know how things are going for you! I am thinking positive thoughts for both of us!
Gotta go cook supper, its been fun!

The Injections Have Started!

Well I have officially started my injections, I have to do 10 units of Lupron everyday between 4 and 6 pm. I started them last night and it really wasnt bad at all I am thinking that maybe it really doesnt hurt because of the the two c-sections that I have had which has left me pretty numb from the bellbutton down to the scar. Well who knows, ask me how I am once I start the IM injections! I don't think I have had any side effects yet, but it is early but I read somewhere that the Lupron starts working as soon as you take your first dose. The only thing that I have to complain about is that it makes my stomach itch after the injection although this doesnt last very long. I have had some bb pain but I cant tell if that is the Lupron or the bcp, or maybe the combination of both. I have felt pretty crappy for the entire month very tired and just and overall emotional yuck. I am very worried about this not working and how devastating it will be to me but especially the toll it will have on my husband. This maybe why I have been feeling so much like poo, I am a worried and I'm a need to know kind of gal which can be a negative and a positive all in one. I just hope and pray this works and that God gives me the strength to make it through all of this.
On a lighter note I have ordered a laptop and am hoping that I will become a super blogger! All of my previous postings have been done on my phone which I have come to decide that I am going to go blind if I continue to use it for blogging and internet research as the fonts are super small. I have asked to have my blog posted on cyclesista in hopes to meet other wonderful and strong women going through this too. So hopefully in the near future I will have an opportunity to share my experiences with someone other than my good friend "S" who faithfully reads my blog every night even though I see her everyday at work and she gets one to one updates! How was your mental health day "S"? Hope it was as good as mine! :) Well I suppose that is enough rambling for one night!

Hormone Hatred

I have hatred for hormones, I dont like taking any medications especially ones that make me a tired, blubbering reck. Luckily I only have 4 more bcp's to take then I can only look forward to the side effects of Lupron and Follistim. DH and I went to our injections class Monday, I have to say that I don't feel any more like a professional than I did before! I will start taking my 10 untis of Lupron tonight sometime between 4-6 pm. I better start at 5 so I have an hour to get myself psyched up and done by 6! LOL! I was told I have been a slacker and not posted lately so I figured I would give ya'll who might be reading an update! Will post later to let ya know, how much I enjoyed my 1st injection!

My Crazy Aunt Flo!

Since starting this whole TTC journey, I have longed, hoped,and prayed for good ole aunt Flo to not arrive. But religously every month she comes to visit me, but this month I have been waiting because she signals the start of our IVF journey. So today she decided to show up, I was told to call my RE when she came so I could get my 3 day bloodwork and ultrasound. You would know that my 3rd day is a holiday and the office is closed. Judy the IVF nurse said this was okay, I am to start BCP's on Sunday and start Lupron injections on September 11th. I can't say that I am excited about the shots but I am excited to get started. I go back in on Sept. 8th with my husband so we can learn the proper way to become a human pincushion! LOL! I forgot to say that my husband HATES needles, so I am doubting his brave face he puts on while saying I can do this, its all for a good cause! Iam releived that we are on our way in this journey! FINALLY, thanks to Aunt Flo.....

Sticker Shock!

Don't get me wrong I new infertility treatments were expensive but until the numbers are in front of you, reality does not set in. I am very thankful that I have decent health coverage that pays 70%
of the costs, and a godsend of a mother in law, because if not I do not think this all we even be an option for us but how do you put a price tag on a new life? The scary thing is that this is a huge gamble, there is no guarantee that this will even work for us, I suppose this is the risk we take. I have to say I am scared and worried that this will fail and my DH and myself will have our heart broken. I am just hoping my age and previously having children will hold in our favor.

Don't Believe Everything You Read!

Since we have started this journey I have spent numerous hours on the internet reading blogs and soaking in the vast wealth of knowledge the web offers. But while preparing myself for the trial transfer procedure that I was to undergo I never read anything about the PAIN I would experience after this procedure! I was told to come to this appointment with a full bladder, did you know that a full bladder with a speculum and ultrasound machine did not make a good combination! After four different speculums were tried to find the one which gave the perfect view of my insides, the trial transfer was finally underway! It was done and over very quickly but after the ram jacking was done to reach and see my cervix I was sore and very uncomfortable. After this I finally got to pee only to come back to have the vag cam inserted to take pictures of my ovaries. By the time I made it home from my appointment with all intentions on going back to work I was doubled over in pain, after many hours and many pills I no longer felt as if in any moment it would be time to push out my next offspring! So again I would like to say do NOT go into any procedure without assuming you may be in pain when finished. I guess thats why they say " No pain, no Gain"!

In the beginning.....

Our TTC journey began shortly after we got married, I have three children from previous relationships and my husband has no biological children of his own. I just figured I would get pregnant not long after we started trying because I never had to try to hard when my other children were conceived, but boy was I wrong! After six months or so of baby making sex, charting, temping, and peeing on hundreds of different sticks with no results, I new something wasn't working right. I went to see my GYN and he ordered a sperm analysis for my dh. The results came back and the news wasn't good, his count was low and so was everything else. We were then sent to see a urologist, with no real answers from this doctor, he told us to keep trying and repeat the SA again in 3 months. Three months later we repeated the test and the numbers had gone lower. My GYN refered us to a fertility specialist, we made our appt and went to see the RE. She ordered another SA and endocrine bloodwork on my husband. Again his count had dropped, now in the past 9 months his count dropped from 10 mil to 200k. DH's endocrine labs were all good but with no definite reason for such recurrent decreases she has recommended we do IVF/ICSI. This is were I am going to start journaling each step of our TTC journey through IVF.....